Sunday, April 8, 2007

sometimes a new perspective can really clear things up

So a long time ago I went on a weekend "retreat" with some friends to one person's childhood home in Indiana. I say "retreat" because his family lives on the edge of a forest preserve and the house has giant windows and lots of wood beams so it's hard to tell where the house ends and the forest begins. The place is amazing. Anyway, we were playing one of those games where one person pretends they're someone else who's in the room and everyone asks that person questions to figure out who they're pretending to be. Questions such as, "if you were a food, what food would you be?" "if you were a color, what color would you be?" That kind of thing. And not surprisingly, this devolved quickly. We were all interrogating Ross, whose house we were at, and someone asked him "if you were one of the seven deadly sins, which sin would you be?" Well, it took us a while to remember all the sins, and then Ross finally says, "I'm not really sure if I'd be lust or gluttony." And of course everyone knows he's talking about me. And for the past couple years this will come up occasionally, and I never really know. Which one am I? Lust or gluttony???

And now I have finally received the answer. The other day Steve told me he was fasting. Of course, my reaction was to yell something along the lines of "OH MY GOD THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST THING ON EARTH YOU MUST HATE LIFE SO MUCH RIGHT NOW." He said he'd had some juice, and he was only going for a day, and it wouldn't be that bad. He said had a friend in college who would go for three days, and which point my yelling trailed off into inhuman shrieks of horror. Steve asked, sounding genuinely curious about which of my vices is most powerful, "which is worse for you - abstinence or fasting?" I didn't even have to think before shouting back, "OH FASTING, DEFINITELY." I mean, having sex and then not having any sex sucks, don't get me wrong. And I may get a little cranky and start acting inappropriately. But taking away food .... I can't even function on a basic level. First I get cranky and irrational, and then I just fall apart, and then whole thing culminates in a spectacular fit of screaming and crying and sweating, on a rare occasion vomiting (yes I realize this makes no sense, but trust me, it's happened), that can only be solved by giving me something to eat and putting me immediately to bed. In college Ali was really into juice fasting, and as I recall she had a juicer and could make all kinds of delicious things, and I thought, "hey, I'm a toxin-ridden college student, I should give this a try to kind of clear things up." So I tried it with her one time. We were in scenic Appleton, Wisconsin, and as I recall we were driving in her car to go someone out by that beautiful mecca of midwestern civilization, the Fox River Mall. Or is it called the Fox Valley Mall? (I think I may have sustained mild brain damage in college. Probably some detox really was in order.) Anyway, I only made it to about 11AM before breaking down and yelling "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CAN WE JUST GO GET SOME BURGERS OR SOMETHING." I got my burger, and I think she finished out the day of fasting.

So now we all know. I'm gluttony first, THEN lust.


Amica Curiae said...

Perfect Easter post :)

--a said...

Ha. Ha. I hardly remember that. I think I have brain damage -amage -amage -amage -amage too.

ER said...

this is a hilarious post. I noticed a disturbing paradox of my own this morning: I need to have coffee in my system in order to be capable of making coffee; otherwise I forget steps or completely fail to notice (while two feet away from the pot) that the basket has popped open and coffee grinds are *everywhere*. It literally took me half an hour to make a mediocre cup this morning. I thought about driving to a purveyor of coffee and skipping the whole thing, but I was pretty sure I would be a danger to others on the road. maybe I have brain damage, too.

LEO said...

AC-Nothing like a good discussion of sin on Easter, I suppose!

And yes, Ali, I really do think I sustained brain damage in college. Sometimes I'll hear someone's name and be wondering in this really pained way, "who IS that???" only to later realize that I lived with them or something. I think I've forgotten half of the people's names that lived in the coop with us, but that's probably for the best. Everyone was shitty, except for us. And maybe a couple others. But mostly shitty.

ER - I have that same problem with coffee!!! And yeah, I definitely can't drive a car without it. The few times I've driven to school before having coffee I've gotten down here and suddenly found myself parking and realized I have no recollection of the last 45 minutes. Surely, this is an indication of brain damage. My only advice to you is that when it gets hot, at least you can have iced coffee on hand. That has caffeine and requires minimal effort - only getting it into your mouth accurately. And we both know even that can be challenging sometimes.

chef yum yum said...

it's the fox valley mall. i remember this 'cause i was a real dork in college.

and so good to see you're listening to colleen!